Please do not flush!

It was a beautiful, sunny day. I had moved my laptop out to the screened-in porch and the boys played while I worked (and googled bathroom renovatoin ideas). About midway through, they zipped past me to go into the house, I assumed to grab new toys.

I lost track of time but figured about 5 minutes had gone by and I heard nothing inside the house. That was my cue. I walked in and listened for them, and realized quickly they were in the master bathroom. This was not good. The last time this happened to me, the boys had taken a washcloth, covered the drain in the shower, turned on the water and flooded the entire bathroom, all the way to the living room ceiling. But, as I got closer, I heard no water running. Whew. Then, I remembered the time they unrolled the entire roll of toilet paper and tried flushing, thus clogging the toilet. That had to be it - I was ready to let loose on them. I prepared for the worst.


I find them in the bathroom and they jump as soon as they see me at the door. I look in the toilet, no toilet paper. What did they do? I see Maddox's hair is wet...but I heard no water. I give them "the look" and they no longer can contain themselves, they start giggling hysterically. And, then, Maddox announces: I got a swirlie, mom.

Heavens to Betsy, No!!! Betsy? Whoever you are, please tell me this did not happen.

Joey: Yep, a swirlie. Like on Alvin and the Chipmunks- the Squeaquel. They put Alvin's head in the toilet, mom. (continued giggling)

Me: Oh my gosh, you didn't! You did not do that to your brother, Joey!!

Maddox (nodding his head up and down with nothing but pride): Yep, mom, my brother gave me a swirlie! (giggling hysterically)

Me: That's disgusting. Gross. There are germs in the toilet. Get out of here right now. We don't give swirlies. I don't care what the Chipmunks do - WE do not give swirlies in this house - or any other house!! (With boys, it's important to be specific with your instructions).

Joey and Maddox: (Break out into song - the Chipmunk version of "She Spins My Head Right Round Right Round)

Me: Okay, that's enough. Just sit. Sit right there. Right now.

Joey: Why, mom? Do you have a surprise for us? What did you get us? Is it a treat?

Really, Joey? A reward for giving your bother a swirlie? I don't think so. I run to go read my "Parenting 101 - How to adequately punish your child for giving and receiving a swirlie"- I find nothing. So, I grab my camera instead.

Lord, have you no mercy on my soul? Was this really necessary on such a beautiful, sunny day? Betsy? How about you? Are you there? What is this really about? Is it about the time Libby Miller and I spit on the playground in 5th Grade and we lied about it? Because I thought we had cleared that up - but I feel like you might still be punishing me.


Girls? Girls would have NEVER EVER in a MILLION years DREAMT of giving each other swirlies. Little girls are grossed out at the mere thought of sitting on the toilet- let alone putting one another's head in it.

C'mon God - why was I not deserving of pink lipstick and baby dolls? Of glittery paper hearts and endless rows of flip-flops? Of hairbows and braids and fashion shows? If there's any doubt Lord, that I have it in me - please, rest assured. I will gladly welcome a girl into this household. In fact, I may sell one of these boys to get one.

I kid, I kid.

No, Mr-I-Can-Walk-On-Water-And-Split-The-Seas, there was no miracle in this mama's house on this bright and beautiful day.

Then, I hear a whisper. It's Jesus. And, this is what He said, "The miracle, my dear child, is that the toilet water was not yellow."

Ahh, the silver lining. There is a God.

Amen.