I got my Valentine's Day decs out on Wednesday, January 15th. I needed something to keep my mind busy. Needed something to do. Needed something new to focus on or look forward to. Valentine's Day isn't much, but it's always been my favorite holiday. So, just thought it might help. Putting some pink and red out may help brighten the long dreary days. I erased my Christmas message from my chalkboard and added a Valentine's Day message focused on love.
It's funny though...that message that all you need is love. Or, maybe it's ironic. I wrote it on the day of my cousin's funeral. And, I knew he had all the love he "needed" around him. But, it wasn't enough in the end. So, it was hard writing that message and not really believing it to be true.
And, it might have been the first time in my lifetime as a parent that I realized that sometimes love isn't enough. And, that is a paralyzing and terrifying realization. The kind of realization that made me wake up in the middle of the night and go sit in the boys' room - watching them breathe, praying over them. The kind of realization that made me tell my kids I loved them 100 times in one day yet literally catching my breath because I wanted them to hear me, to acknowledge it. The kind of realization that made me want to homeschool my kids, sheltering them from any outside problems that may come their way.
It was a realization that right now- I can ease their mind, kiss their boo boos, talk them through the recess problems, help them shake off their latest disappointment. But, who will do that when they are at camp? Who will watch over my babies at school? Who will talk them through the breakup at college? Who will be there beside them at a party in a crowded room but feeling all alone?
Life is tough. And, what is easy for one kid is incredibly difficult for another. And, what bothers one child is not even noticed by another. And, what one parent views as tough love another child can view as just another disappointment in his parents' eyes. And, you just never do know, do you? It was a week where I realized that as much as I'd like to think I will always 'know' my kids....it's the realization that I won't. I can't possibly know everything that is on their mind, and more importantly, in their hearts. And, I wish I wouldn't have realized it. Parenting is scary and hard enough.
The pastor at the funeral said that God knows all of our secrets. He knows what's in that tiny little part of our heart that no one else can see or understand. And, that sometimes these secrets are okay - they are between you and God- we don't always have to 'know' everything. I guess I have to accept that because no matter how much I love my kids, no matter how much I give them....there will be days that it won't be enough. And, I just have to trust that God is there with them when I can't be. Letting our kids go - even if it's to the big guy upstairs - is very hard. And, my heart breaks for parents who have to both physically and spiritually let their children go earlier than planned.
And, yet in the same moments when I realized that love cannot save the world; I also saw the love of family and friends literally wrapped around my cousin's family. I felt as if I could see God sitting beside them through all of us- I could feel His love in the McDonald's pancakes, the shoes beside the door, the comfort of good friends. Love will get them through the coming days - indeed, it's the only thing that ever has. Ironic isn't it?
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