Parenting 320

I think my blog is mostly a place to share the fun times, the good times, the happy faces and the happy places in my family's life. I write to keep my cousins and our parents updated but every once in a while, I write simply so I don't forget.  And, this is a post like that....I'm writing so I don't forget the hard times, the times I struggled, the times that were hard. I'm writing so when 34-year-old Joey comes to me with parenting frustrations, I might have a little reminder of what those times were like and don't dismiss his concerns as a "phase" or as "nothing to worry about."  Because...that's what parenting is about- it's about worrying, it's about helping your kids through those phases, it's about paying attention to the little things, it's about figuring out what works and what doesn't work, it's about long prayers at night asking God for guidance....and lately, I've had a lot of parenting moments where nothing seems to be working.

Sometimes, I wish there was a parenting class that you could go to and they could direct you on how to discipline your child.  As my kids have grown older, I've slowly learned that disciplining has actually gotten harder.  Timeouts an "no nos" are much easier to implement and to follow through on....I've learned as my kids have gotten older, that it's actually harder to find the punishment that fits the crime.

* Joey lost his baseball glove....obviously, this was an accident and he felt bad. But, do you punish because it also shows a lack of responsibility and ultimately, he needs to care for his own possessions? Or, do you chalk it up as an accident?

* Waking up grumpy and in an overall negative mood....I mean, it is the morning and I, too, have woken up grumpy (sometimes I let him sleep though).  But, do you punish them? Do you send them back to their room and ask them to start over? I've always been a morning person and I want my kids to be morning people. I want them to greet the new day with a smile and so it wears on me when they don't.

* In a deliberate act of disobedience, Joey chose not to wear his life jacket at the lake in one instance.  Obviously, this is a serious "crime" in our books, but he was around his friends and family at the time of the incident.  Do we make him sit inside the cabin? Do we punish him on the spot or later? Do we take him aside? Do we freak out and embarrass him in front of his friends?

* Joey and Maddox compete in everything in life- who can get to the mailbox faster, who can eat more cereal, who can play Wii better, who can make more baskets....Joey being almost 2 and a half years older than Maddox obviously has the advantage most of the time.  This has become increasingly frustrating for Maddox.  I've never been a big fan of "letting" kids win - or it's certainly not my go-to solution.  But, how many times do you tell your younger child "someday you will beat him" and "this is going to make you better" and "just keep your head up" and "competition makes you better"?  How do you build your younger child's self-esteem up when he continually loses to his older brother? And, on the flip side, how do you approach your older child with a message of healthy competition, but also having respect for your competition?

* At the end of the school year, Joey was made fun of for having a Spiderman backpack- apparently, it's uncool in first grade. He asked for a new one immediately, and I would have loved to have gone out and bought one immediately. As they say, it hurt me more than it hurt him.  But, after talking it through, I knew that this would be a good lesson for him- that we can't just go "buy" something when we want it- he had a perfectly good backpack in great condition that was serving it's purpose; that it doesn't feel good to be made fun of for something you wear or own; and that some things are worth the wait.  I had a talk with him about why we weren't going to get him a backpack and it broke my heart actually- it would have been so much easier to go spend $25 on a new backpack that night. He asked for a backpack for his birthday and the kid couldn't have been happier. But, in the end, I'm not sure if it taught him anything or not...I'd like to think it did though.

* When do you know if it's a "boys will be boys" moment or if it's a moment that deserves attention? When do you let them fight it out? Wrestle it out? And, when do you step in? It seems as if those lines are blurred so often lately that I don't know if I'm picking the right or wrong battles.

* How much is too much tv? too much iPad? too much music? too much video games? I feel like I make a conscious effort of monitoring all of these items, but I question myself constantly.

And, in other parenting struggles, it seems as if the kids are growing old enough to notice things and pick up on adult issues.  Joey announced to his cousins that he knows someone who has two moms; Maddox asked why girls can't take off their shirts; Maddox asked what an ex-wife is; Joey used an offensive word that he didn't know the meaning of; Maddox and Joey heard verbal abuse take place between a parent and a child; Maddox asked how people had a kid and THEN got married....

It seems like a lot of these parenting moments come when you're in the car, on the run or watching tv. Their little minds work so fast and they want an answer right then and there.  As these situations arise, I've noticed that A) avoiding the question isn't the right answer B) dishonesty isn't the right answer C) that they are watching and listening to how I react to words, situations, people and life choices and I have an amazing opportunity to educate them.  I haven't quite nailed down whether I take the opportunity to influence them or not...do we give them the facts and let them come to their own conclusions? Or, do we take the opportunity to share our own beliefs? I suppose it's a mixture of the two.

There's a big part of me who thought that parenting might get easier as they grew older because they could go the bathroom on their own, they could ride a bike on their own, they could eat and sleep on our schedules, and heck, they could communicate with us! But, there are lots of times when I've felt that it's only gotten harder.

I think even determining punishments hard....the other day, I sent both boys out to the bball hoop and they had to make ten free throws before they could talk again.  I made them write sentences one night.  Did I win any parenting awards with either of these punishments? Nope. Did I get peace and quiet for my own sanity? Yes. And, I guess sometimes that's all you need.

My gpa Cecil told me in the hospital that when he had kids, his dad came to him and said, "Cecil, I'm so glad I'm not raising kids now- it's so much harder now, times aren't as easy, kids can do so much more..." and Gpa said, "And, now I'm telling you that...it's so much harder now, but this is all you know. And, when I had kids, it's all I knew, so you just make your own way."  And, I think that's the truth.  Sometimes I think about how my parents handled us or Joe's parents handled him and I sometimes remind myself of Gpa's words- you make your own way. It may not be anyone else's way- but you do what you can with what you have where you are.  Some day, I'll tell my kids that I'm so glad I'm not raising kids in their world...but I'll tell them that they will make their own way somehow.  But, the journey to raising kids deserves recognition, too - it's hard work, it's trying, it's exhausting and yes, we will make it and  yes, maybe it IS a phase.  But, I don't think that discounts the trials and errors in between.