Ode to the Grand Am

This is the Grand Am.

I bought it after I graduated from Simpson College. Since, you know, I was high-rollin' with my first job out of college, it was the perfect choice.

Then, six months later, I was offered a job at Farm Bureau - and with it, came a car. What kind of car, you ask? A White four-door Grand Am. If that didn't tell me that me and the Grand Am were a perfect match, I'm not sure what would.

We then put this little beauty in storage at the Remsburg farm. But, soon thereafter, we realized it made more sense to sell Joe's car. So, we sold Joe's car. Yep....you now are realizing what that meant, aren't you? Joe and I BOTH drove four-door white Grand Ams. You can imagine the comments and stares we got from the neighbors.....who might I mention should have looked in their own garage before criticizing ours!

This car was first violated a year or two after that - we left our garage door open accidentally - and it was broken into over night. You can imagine the thief's surprise when he thought he had struck gold with a big fat cd case, and found my "Billy Joel's Greatest Hits" and "Neil Diamond Uncensored" cds.

Later, the poor thing was violated again - it was stolen. Right out of our driveway. With the keys in it. All along, it was part of my secret plan to get a new car. But, alas, a strange man called and told us that he had found our car. He also wanted us to know that he was struggling financially and was looking for work and that he goes to church regularly. I think he wanted areward....little did he know, I wanted to pay him to keep the thing. We called the police to report that the car had been found, and they informed us that they actually have to pick up the car, and then we have to pay them $100 to get the car back from the police. So, in the end, that car knapper cost us 100 bones AND we had to keep the car. Sadly, she had been taken advantage of - she was driven through the mud, and trashed inside. When we got her back, we took her to Mister Car Wash and gave her some love and attention.

She does not do well on ice as a general rule. If she is going up a hill on ice....you start to pray as soon as you see that hill ahead. It's also a good idea to start chanting "I think you can! I think you can!" as she makes the climb.

She likes to nestle in between the Escalade and the BMW at Joe's law firm. You see, she WANTS to roll with the big kids....she just doesn't have what it takes.

As, she grew older, her body showed some wear and tear:
* The taillight in the back was broken - Joe backed out of our driveway and failed to remember the trash that we had set out the night before behind him. BAM! No use fixing it...and to be honest, when the car was stolen, the police reported it as "White four-door Grand Am - broken taillight." I mean, it actually set it apart from the sea of Grand Ams that were out there.

* For a few days in a row, Joe was coming home from work saying that his pants were ripped and he couldn't figure out why. The next day, the same thing happened. Soon, three pairs of pants - gone. Finally, it dawned on him - his car seat. He went out and checked and noticed that the seat had a pokey thing sticking out that was tearing Joe's pants. The fix: Duct Tape. Duh.

* The Air Conditioning and Heat: Only worked on the number 3 level properly. So, as long as you're not really hot or really cold, you should be just fine.

* The gas tank: didn't fully close. And, we've had people tell us - "Hey, your gas tank cover is open!"....I've found it's best to just nod and smile, maybe a thumbs-up. No use explaining that.

* The key is very fickle. You have to try to turn it several times before it works. When my mom was in the car with me, after about 10 minutes of trying, she turned to me and said, "Um, it IS going to start, right?"

* On a cool, breezy summer day, you can feel the breeze inside the car. Without rolling the windows down.

* The headlights recently died....Joe put new ones in on his own....and a part or two may have fallen out. The fix: Duct Tape. Again. That shit is durable.

* The real kicker: the driver's side window won't roll down. You wouldn't think that'd cause too many problems - but let me explain some times when it did. 1) We went to some big charity thing and they had valet parking. We right away notice how everyone is not only dressed better than us, but they are also driving cars lots fancier than us. Then, we got a pit in our stomach. We needed to roll down our window to talk to the Valet parkers. So embarrassing, as we had a Lexus ahead of us and a Cadillac behind us. We had to actually open our door to hold that conversation (and, we then had to explain the multiple personalities our key has to the valet attendant). 2) Joe goes through the Starbucks drive-through, only to realize he can't roll down his window to order, or to actually grab his drink and pay. He got out and told the lady, "Um, never mind, I just need to come inside to order." 3) Joe had a closing in the Glen Oaks development. The Glen Oaks development is in a high-end gated community in West Des Moines. Heck, they don't even allow Grand Ams inside their compound! Sure enough, he pulls up to tell the attendant who he is there to see...and his window won't go down. That actually might have been the straw that broke the camel's back!

The Grand Am became a joke amongst our friends and family. One time, I was leaving my friend's house and realized that I had forgotten something so I just started backing up in the road, and my friend started waving her arms frantically, when I pulled up to tell her I had just forgotten something, she said, "Oh....I started thinking your car was possessed and it was driving in reverse!"

When my sister had to ride in my car a couple of years ago, she told me she no longer felt her nephews were safe in our care. She threatened to call DHS if we didn't do something about the situation.

After ten years, our time with the Grand Am has come to an end. It has been a good decade. She gave us lots of good times, and good memories. And, for that, we are thankful.

As we said our goodbyes and made the trade-in, we wished her well. She's going to make a 16-year-old very happy someday!

As I got into my car, it was only fitting that Whitney Houston was sent through the radio waves to comfort me with these words:
Bittersweet memories
That is all I'm taking with me.
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.
We both know I'm not what you, you need.
And I will always love you. I will always love you.